Today:s Relationships: Reducing Holiday Stress: Clinical Sexologist Ian Kerner and Psychotherapist R
NBC ID: ARI1P6DF8Z | Production Unit: Today Show | Media Type: Aired Show | Media ID: NY-TDY-20071203-0001 | Air Date(s): 12/03/2007 | Event Date(s): 12/03/2007Transcript
Event Date(s): 12/03/2007 | Event Location(s): Today New York Studio | Description: GFX: Graphic of Cookie magazine. GFX: Header"Holiday Stress Trigger." GFX: Supers"Money","Money Is The #1 Cause Of Anxiety Around The Holidays","Pressure To Be Happy","Your Way Of Celebrating The Holidays Is Not The Only Way","Family","Lack of Intimacy." GFX: Header"Reducing Holiday Stress." GFX: Supers"Stick To A Budget","Ask For Help","Set Limits","Talk About Why You're Upset." Clinical Sexologist Ian Kerner and Cookie magazine contributing editor and Psychotherapist Robi Ludwig join Natalie Morales live in Studio 1A. NATALIE MORALES: Good morning to both of you. Mr. IAN KERNER: Good morning. Hey. Ms. ROBI LUDWIG: Good morning. MORALES: So this--good morning. This time of year can put a lot of stress and a lot of tension, Robi, on relationships. Ms. LUDWIG: Yes. Absolutely. MORALES: What is it about this time of year that's doing it? Ms. LUDWIG: I think we have a lot of expectations that we put on ourselves and our relationship. It's financially stressful and there's a lot of work to be done, so I think couples react, `Who's doing more, who's doing less?' MORALES: Hm. Ms. LUDWIG: And then we have the whole family and in-law: Who do you see; who do you not see? So there's a lot going on in a short period of time. MORALES: All of these things build up. Ms. LUDWIG: That's right. MORALES: Is it the same for men and women? Do we handle things, the stress differently? Mr. KERNER: I think the financial anxiety is a real source of pressure for men. And I think, you know, one of the reasons that--because of that is that women are out there doing a lot of the shopping for the entire family. MORALES: Right. Mr. KERNER: So a woman will know, `Hey, this shopping bag, there's nothing in here more than five or 10 bucks a piece,' but we're looking at, like, sort of a truckload of receipts and it causes a lot of panic. MORALES: Yeah. Mr. KERNER: So I think in a lot of cases the division of labor might cause different types of stress and anxiety around the holidays. Ms. LUDWIG: Absolutely. MORALES: Let's sort through it... Mr. KERNER: Yeah. MORALES: ...because you say there are several triggers. Mr. KERNER: Yes. MORALES: And first is the financial aspect. Money is the number one anxiety trigger, as you've said. Mr. KERNER: I think it's the number one. MORALES: So what should people be doing? Mr. KERNER: I think it's about talking about it, coming up with a budget. I think men have to make much more of an effort to get with the plan and to understand... Offscreen Voice: Mm-hmm. Mr. KERNER: ...that women are often burdened with having to buy for everyone and that means that they're going to be the ones coming home with the shopping bags. MORALES: Mm-hmm. Mr. KERNER: So I think especially around money... Ms. LUDWIG: Yeah. Mr. KERNER: ...communication and budgeting is key. MORALES: You say set a budget, stick to it, Robi. Ms. LUDWIG: I say set a budget and also remind yourselves that you have to work as a partnership. So even though we all know this... MORALES: Mm-hmm. Ms. LUDWIG: ...there's something about reinforcement, like, `Hey, we need to kind of stay within a budget. Let's work as a partnership because, in the end, if we're both stressed, it's not going to do a lot for either one of us.' MORALES: All right. As you mentioned, a lot of pressure to be happy. Ms. LUDWIG: Yes. Yeah. MORALES: And I think we both--you know, as a family, you try to build this... Mr. KERNER: Yeah. MORALES: ...you know, `These holidays are going to be better than ever.' Mr. KERNER: Yeah. Yeah. MORALES: And I think that puts an added stress, right, Ian? Mr. KERNER: Yeah. There are a million things to do, it's harder than ever, our to-do lists are 10 times as long, and we're supposed to have this big smiley face through it all, you know? MORALES: Right. Mr. KERNER: And I meet so many men who are, like, `I don't feel like a merry little elf. I feel like the Grinch that's stealing Christmas because the pressure's getting to me.' And I think you have to remember, especially with couples, that your way of getting through the holidays is not the only way. Ms. LUDWIG: Mm-hmm. MORALES: Mm-hmm. Mr. KERNER: Holidays mean different things to everybody. Ms. LUDWIG: That's right. So, you know, be realistic. And also, it's really about the kids. MORALES: Right. Ms. LUDWIG: And create kind of a family trend that you can look forward to and, you know, just focus on what's good in your life. I think that's the key here. MORALES: All right. Also, as you mentioned, Robi, for women there is that sense that `I'm doing all the work here.' Ms. LUDWIG: Oh, yeah. MORALES: `I'm the one who's going and making these perfect holidays.' Ms. LUDWIG: Yeah. `You should have seen me yesterday schlepping with all the bags.' MORALES: Yeah. Exactly. `I'm the one decorating the tree.' Mr. KERNER: Yeah. Ms. LUDWIG: Yeah. `Is there anything else you want me to do?' MORALES: Does this sound--does this sound familiar? Mr. KERNER: There would be no tree. Ms. LUDWIG: Yeah. Mr. KERNER: Yeah, there'd be no tree. There'd be no presents. Ms. LUDWIG: Yeah, why are you guys like that? No, but I think the key, though, is to say, `You know what? I'm struggling here. I need help.' And a lot of women forget to do that. They all--they think, `Read my mind,' or, `Can't you see that I'm stressed out?' So let your partner know, `I need some help,' and then see if you can get them to help you out. MORALES: So let's break it down, let's make it even here. Ms. LUDWIG: Yeah. MORALES: All right, also families. Mr. KERNER: Yeah. MORALES: That creates a huge conflict. Whose house are we going to this year? Who's coming over? Who's going to stay on indefinitely. Mr. KERNER: Yeah. I know, and I think--you know, every year around this time you can plan on seeing a lot of family members you probably spent most of the year trying to avoid, you know? So now you're going to be in a room with them. And I'll tell you, I was just talking to a woman last week. She said, `I hate the holidays because my husband never defends me to my in-laws...' MORALES: Mm-hmm. Ms. LUDWIG: Mm. Mr. KERNER: `...and around this time it feels doubly unjust.' So I think really, again, this is a key area about communicating, being a team and defending your relationship... MORALES: Mm-hmm. Mr. KERNER: ...from all those outside forces that may be a little toxic. MORALES: So, Robi, you say as much as we love our families, we need to set limits. Ms. LUDWIG: Yes. MORALES: How do you do that? Ms. LUDWIG: Sometimes more is not more. MORALES: Yeah. Ms. LUDWIG: So maybe you can really enjoy family time if it's for four hours or three hours. MORALES: Mm-hmm. Ms. LUDWIG: So know what your limit is and try not to get stuck in old family roles. Try to help your family also see you as the new adult that you are. I think that's what bothers... MORALES: You'renot the 18-year-old anymore living under your parents' roof. Ms. LUDWIG: You're not the 18-year-old that's rebelling. MORALES: Right. Ms. LUDWIG: You know, you're a mature adult who's contributing to the world. MORALES: All right. Also, a lack of intimacy in a relationship... Mr. KERNER: Yeah. MORALES: ...during the holiday season. Ian, you say give yourself the best gift of all, which is the gift of nooky. Mr. KERNER: The gift of nooky. Yeah, you know, everything we're talking about, stress and anxiety, you know what that affects more than anything? Your sex drive. MORALES: Mm. Mr. KERNER: This is a period where it's really easy to get in a rut, to lose that intimacy. Give yourself the gift of nooky. It's the gift that keeps on giving all season. And you know what, it really does help you heal and restore. Sex is fortifying. Intimacy at this time is crucial. Ms. LUDWIG: Mm-hmm. MORALES: And if you're having issues there, Robi, you have to talk about it. Communication. Ms. LUDWIG: You know, anger reduces your sex drive, so try to get it before it gets too out of control. So if you're feeling stressed out, again, you know, talk to your partner and try to have the goal of enjoying one another. That helps tremendously. MORALES: Right. And we all know what you two are getting for Christmas. Robi Ludwig, Ian Kerner... Ms. LUDWIG: I want the gift of nooky, right? Mr. KERNER: Yeah. MORALES: Nooky. Ms. LUDWIG: Right. MORALES: Thank you.